The Good

1. Your animals stop begging. They miss cheese and bread as much as you do.
2. You realize you don’t need nearly as much food as you thought to stay alive.
3. You hope you run into someone you know at the grocery store so they can judge you by your cart now, PEACH!!
4. When you question what you’re eating, you start to question all kinds of other stuff too. What am I putting on my skin? What is this gangster rap am I listening to? What the heck am I thinking about? You start to question your intentions, how you spend your time, what other toxins do you have in your life….
5. Your marriage is stronger than ever because if someone can love you through “hangry” they can love you through just about anything.
6. Your new BFF is the juice bar barista who totally gets you.
7. You get excited to feed your animals because they love their food and you live vicariously through them. Twice daily.
8. I’m no longer putting offering bowls of dark chocolate out at work…..because why would I do that to myself?!
9. Going to bed early isn’t cause you’re tired its cause you’d rather skip dinner than eat another bowl of steamed broccoli.
10. Weight loss is a positive side effect that you cling to as the only motivation because you can’t see your fatty liver dissolving, but you CAN feel your thighs chaffing less.
11. You save on essential oils and incense because no one can tell the difference between #1 and #2….no smell people.
12. Suddenly, you have a lot more free time when you’re not consumed with what’s for dinner immediately after lunch.
13. Ginger shots actually grow more hair on your chest than tequila shots!!!

The Bad

1. Spending way too much time on social media seeing what everyone else is eating when normally I could care less.
2. Mental clarity comes with a price – first foggy brain for a while. Like everyone is on high-speed and you’re on dial up.
3. Who invented celery? No.
4. Hungry for this, hungry for that, is equivalent to I want the white iPhone instead of the black iPhone. How did I get so spoiled?!
5. Why does everyone suggest food and wine festivals and food truck bazaars every time I’m cleansing? How rude.
6. Vegetable juices start tasting too sweet. Whereas before you could chug an entire 16 ounce green machine, all of a sudden it tastes like mountain dew. Ewe.
7. God gave us teeth for a reason that doesn’t include protein shakes.
8. Costco sample? Old piece of candy in your purse? The popcorn kernel in your husband’s beard? Lollipops at the bank? So many ways to get punked!

The Ugly

1. Cat food actually smells kinda good WHEN YOU’RE STARRRRVING.
2. You ponder if life without cheese worth living?
3. You tell yourself carrot chips are the new potato chip and for about 3 days you buy into this nonsense.
4. You discover and overcome an illness called a “hand, food, and mouth disease”. What is it? When food mysteriously goes from your hand to your mouth before you are even aware that it’s happening. There’s no cure.
5. Binging eating means two grape tomatoes at a time.
6. Try socializing without something going into your mouth…..get your head out of the gutter.
7. You reminisce about all the good times you had eating and drinking whatever the hell you wanted. You refer to them as the “good ol days” even though it was last week.
8. You confuse your flavorless life for a futile life.
9. Complaining about something that was your own stupid idea qualifies you as stone-cold crazy.

In All Seriousness

But really, what happens internally is quite enlightening. Once the decision is made to embark on a cleanse, you have no choice but to sit with the mixture of raw agony and pure will that comes up in waves over and over again. It’s a simultaneous pull and a push of “I don’t think I can do this…” and “This is happening!” After the body eventually gets over it’s tantrum displayed in the form of headaches, dizziness, and irritability; on the other side is clarity, calmness, and acceptance.

Your vision becomes crisp and colors are brighter, you listen more and talk less, and things you once labeled as important become less serious. You surprise yourself on how much you can do with such little fuel, and how strong you really are when you want to be. I learned that it’s okay to be hungry. It’s okay to be still. It’s important to nourish myself properly – food and otherwise. This awareness is gold.